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What has helped me on my healing journey

After a bumpy start as a teenager in the public mental health system (in Aotearoa New Zealand), where I saw a well meaning Clinical Psychologist who mostly attempted CBT with me. Although the woman herself was lovely and tried her best, all I was left with was a further sense of failure, as CBT at that time (like all Therapeutic modalities that have stood the test of time, it has evolved and is helpful when used alongside other more embodied modalities), held the assumption that healing involved identifying and changing limiting and negative beliefs. For someone whose sense of self is developed pre-verbally and lives in the body, and who has a pretty harsh perfectionistic self critic on board, this ain't that helpful people. In fact, it gives more ammunition for self blame. I should be able to change my thinking just by sticking some positive affirmations overtop of the gapping wounds. Um, I don't think so, that is a very poor and unsustainable band-aid at best. Is it helpful to understand what negative, limiting believes one holds? Absolutely. But we also need to know where they came from and that they were crucial adaptations that parts of us still think we need and we can't just overwrite them without going to the original experiences that led to that adaptation and meet the unmet needs there. The believes are not just stored in our brains and easily accessible and amenable to tinkering with, they are wired into the nervous system and body brain interface.
I also had a very impersonal experience with a psychiatrist who perhaps said two words to me and left me floundering in my own shame, while he did God knows what. I think I got some sort of prescription and my parents a hefty bill.
After that it improved as I had the great fortune of joining an Outpatient group in which there was actual human to human contact.
We had group processing where the patients got to share our responses and reactions to each other and finally recieve mirroring that had been lacking and sorely missed. We also had art therapy sessions, supported outings into the world, and thanks to an extremely brave Therapist, Psychodrama sessions. I say brave because it isn't easy to get traumatised people to engage with a modality that involves movement and spontaneity. I am forever grateful that she could see the value in something that made many a participant initially shrink and cringe, as it was one of the first real windows for me, into my authentic self and began my convoluted road towards recovery of Self and of becoming a Therapist.
As a University student I stumbled across a group for those impacted by social anxiety and through these experiences the healing potential of people and paticularly groups was a seed that was planted. Of course the fear of such spaces and encounters was often stronger than the hope and it was by no means a given that I would make it to these healing spaces. They were ripe with potential, and often remained that - potential only. As you can imagine perfectionist critics both create the conditions that make it extremely difficult to get oneself out into the world, and when that is not managed, give one hell. And all without seeing any irony in this whatsoever!
I had such trouble getting myself out and about (particularly in the mornings) and would hide and do my best to self soothe via sleep, that I once attempted to start a group called Oversleepers Anonymous (well why not, it can't just be me? It is as good an addiction as any and a hell of a lot cheaper and with less mess to clean up than others). Alas I used it as an opportunity to get myself out of bed for once and made the start time much too early for anyone shocked by another harsh brush with waking up to oneself again, and no one showed. I did not repeat the experience. It is only in the past couple of years that I can see my difficulties getting out into the world as an agoraphobic response and take it as seriously as it warrants. Until I could stop trying to push myself out and instead tend to the parts inside who had legitimate fears rooted in childhood (and reactivated by becoming a mother myself) could I turn compassionately towards young parts of me that needed for their fears to be heard and given a hand to hold, rather than metaphorically pushed out a door or dragged out of bed. They had already had more than enough of those experiences, thank you very much!

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